Underworld:Evolution - * (BAD MOVIE ALERT!!!!!)

Ever had food poisoning? Well, remember how after you had it - and endured all the wonderful effects of salmonella or whatever it was that felled you - you swore you'd never, ever eat whatever it was that made you sick again? And that for a period of time the mere thought of that food was enough to make you feel like puking?

That's kind of the way I felt after seeing Underworld a few years ago. All I remember about it is that even though it featured Kate Beckinsale playing a vampire who spent the entire movie traipsing around in a skin tight leather bodysuit, it still somehow managed to stink out loud. It rocketed to the top of my Ten Worst list for '03, and I swore I'd never, ever watch it again.

And then came this week, when my critic's duties sent me to a theater to see Underworld: Evolution. Right when the movie began, all the horrid memories of the first one came flooding back - the way-too stylized dark and rainy palette, the godawful special effects and the hideously moronic story about a centuries-old battle between vampires and werewolves. Yes, I felt like puking.

The new one picks up where the original left off, unfortunately for everyone. Beckinsale returns as the leather-clad vampire, and someone named Scott Speedman - I am shocked! Shocked! that he hasn't become a big star after his performance in the original - returns as some sort of half vampire/half werewolf who used to be human. Let's just say Speedman won't need to be polishing up his Oscar speech.

Speaking of polishing up his Oscar speech, did you catch Philip Seymour Hoffman at the Golden Globes the other night? He's the front-runner to win the Best Actor Oscar this year for Capote, and now I know why: He has clearly eaten all his competitors. I mean, have a salad, my friend. And there's something to be said for not buying into the movie star glamour thing, but Philip, my man, would it be too much to ask to tuck in your shirt and pull up your tie? You're accepting a supposedly prestigious award, not playing one of the Blues Brothers.

But back to Underworld: Evolution, which spends much of its time recapping what happened in the first movie, which is probably a good idea since not a whole lot of people saw that one. It makes you wonder just what it takes to earn a sequel these days (as if the existence of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and Big Momma's House 2 hadn't done that already). Time was, a movie actually needed to be a hit to get a sequel. But Underworld could barely even be called a modest success - it earned just over $50 million bucks at the US box office and its worldwide take never cracked $100 million.

Just how unpleasant is the sequel? Within the first ten minutes, the movie offers dozens of beheadings that result in rivers of blood, a graphic autopsy and - just in case you don't think you're getting your money's worth - a little projectile vomiting. Beckinsale shows up in her leather get-up, but not even Kate's outfit can distract us from the movie's absurdly high crap factor. Once again, we get vampires against werewolves. Apparently, 800 years ago there were these twin brothers, see? One of them turned into a vampire and became the vampire leader. The other went the werewolf route, because, as everyone knows, that's where all the money was back then. Plus - as Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman once taught us - those cats can really hoop it up.

After some unpleasantness between the siblings, the werewolf brother got himself locked up for all time in a secret underground cell. This is the part where you might ask why, if they were going to lock him up for all time, didn't they just go ahead and kill him? I wish I had an answer for that. I really do. So now, 8 centuries later, the vampire brother - who sometimes sprouts wings and would list "impaling" as one of his hobbies on his myspace profile - is hellbent to find the key to his locked-up bro's underground cell and set him free. For what, who knows? Maybe they want to enter The Amazing Race together. The better question is, if they wanted to lock this werewolf brother up in a secret underground cell for all time, why'd they make a key?

I think you get the idea that this is a terrible, terrible movie. Another sequel is probably inevitable, especially since the original's lack of critical or commercial success wasn't enough to prevent this one. But if this is evolution, I can't imagine what comes next.