I was going to write a whole flippin' review of Firewall, but really what can I say about the movie that anyone who has seen the last dozen Harrison Ford movies doesn't already know? Once again, Ford - who a long time ago was my favorite actor - grimaces through the entire movie as if he's receiving a 100-minute coffee enema, just like he did through K19: The Widowmaker, Six Days and Seven Nights and Hollywood Homicide.

I'm sorry. The mere mention of Hollywood Homicide made me throw up in my mouth, just a little bit. A thousand pardons.

In Firewall, Ford plays a guy named Jack Stanfield who is the chief of security at a Seattle bank. We know he knows what he's talking about because he says things like "worms" and "viruses" with confidence. Oh, and because he once played Indiana Jones. Boy, does THAT seem like a long time ago.

So one night, a gang of bad guys breaks into Jack's house and takes his wife and two young kids hostage. As ransom, they want Jack to navigate the security system he helped design and clandestinely transfer $100 million from his bank into their accounts. They outfit him with all sorts of cool little cameras and microphones, so they can track him all over his office, while they sit at his home and terrorize his family. OK, fine. That's not a bad set-up, even if it hardly breaks new ground - I kept waiting for Ford to crack, Mel Gibson-style, and start shrieking "GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!!"

Alas, nothing nearly that exciting happens. The hostage plot wobbles along on its tracks chugging toward the exact point where you thought it would, although it does earn points for adding mildly innovative plot twists involving a remote control car and a GPS dog collar, respectively.

Ford seriously looks like he has to take a dump for the whole movie - oops, did I mention that already? As the bad guy, Paul Bettany at least appears to be trying. He's a fine actor, but even he can't breathe much life into a run-of-the-mill villain. Virginia Madsen fills the thankless role as Jack's wife - this is the career bounce I get for that Sideways Oscar nomination?, she must be asking herself - but the quirky presence of Mary Lynn Rajskub, who plays the blithely acerbic Chloe on 24, only serves as an unfortunately constant reminder of another, far more exciting piece of entertainment that also features a hero named Jack.

So Firewall isn't that bad, but it isn't that great, either. So what exactly, you might fairly ask, have you learned by reading all this? Well, nothing.

And I feel bad about that. So I will close this review by telling you something that I bet you don't know: Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder bears a startling resemblance to U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Click away. It's uncanny.