FINALES GO OUT WITH GUNS ABLAZE

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX

May 21, 2006

Like thoroughbreds gearing up for one final push in a Triple Crown race – only without all the huffing and puffing and physical exertion in general, not to mention the oats – we idiots are turning the corner and coming down the home stretch of May Sweeps. Not that there’ll be much rest for our weary remote thumbs come month’s end, since June will bring a slew of new summer shows and, yikes, The Sopranos season finale, but the end of May Sweeps has traditionally marked the close of the official TV season.
And so, like the grills that will soon be rolled out for the Memorial Day barbecue, we roll past in the opposite direction with the final installment of the May Sweeps Idiocy Factor, and remind you one final time that the higher the Factor, the more of an idiot you’d have to be to miss it.
TONIGHT
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (7 p.m., ABC): Every time I turn on this show, someone is crying. Which makes me wonder if they’re building houses for these people or tearing them down. Idiocy Factor: 5.
The Simpsons (8 p.m., FOX): Here’s how long this show has been on: If baby Maggie actually aged, she’d be going off to college in the fall. Yikes. The most amazing thing about the long-running show is that it’s still funny as it closes its 17th season. Mandy Moore and Stacy Keach are guests on tonight’s season-ender. Idiocy Factor: 7.
Charmed (8 p.m., WB): After eight seasons, the witchy trio casts their final spell and rides off on their broomsticks forever. Wait, seriously? This show ran for eight seasons? Hocus Pocus, indeed. Idiocy Factor: 6.
Family Guy (8:30 p.m., FOX): In its second time around, the show has finally shed its “Simpsons clone” baggage, even though, yes, it remains just that. Still, its pop culture-reliant jokes hit the mark more often than they miss. It’s a guilty pleasure. Idiocy Factor: 7.
Desperate Housewives (9 p.m., ABC): Yes, it still gets big ratings. But nobody talks about this show anymore. Has any hot show ever cooled off so quickly? Idiocy Factor: 6
TOMORROW
The King of Queens (8 p.m., CBS): I can't believe this show was relegated to midseason replacement status on next season's CBS fall schedule. I also can't believe it's been on for 8 years. Cripes, how old am I? Tonight, a fire in the basement has Kevin dreaming of reinventing the space as a media room. Idiocy Factor: 7.
24 (8 p.m., FOX): This has been one of the least plausible seasons for Jack Bauer and his CTU co-horts ever, and that’s saying something. Fortunately, thanks partly to a magnificent performance by Gregory Itzin as the weaselly President, it has also been one of the most addictive and entertaining. This is still TV’s biggest rush. Idiocy Factor: 10.
Two and a Half Men (9 p.m., CBS): Yes, this is the highest-rated sitcom on television. Yes, that is the sound of the writers at Scrubs, The Office and the late, great Arrested Development smacking their foreheads in frustration. Idiocy Factor: 6.
Alias (9 p.m., ABC): Back in 2001, this show and 24 were the buzzed-about new action dramas. But while Jack Bauer just keeps zipping along, Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner) is going out for good with a whimper, and with little notice. Too bad, since for its first two seasons – before creator JJ Abrams got distracted by Lost and MI3 - this was a great, great show. Idiocy Factor: 7.
The New Adventures of Old Christine (9:30 p.m., CBS): While hosting SNL a few weeks back, Julia Louis-Dreyfus went on and on about how she had finally broken the Seinfeld curse. I think viewers of this lame sitcom might disagree. Idiocy Factor: 3.
CSI: Miami (10 p.m., CBS): I saw an article recently that claimed that, with foreign audiences factored in, this is the most-watched TV drama in the world. This only means that not everyone is as annoyed by David Caruso as I am. Idiocy Factor: 7
Medium (10 p.m., NBC): A confession: After weeks of pretending I enjoy this show because my wife likes to watch it, I actually am finding myself enjoying it. Without pretending, I mean. Is that wrong? Idiocy Factor: 8
TUESDAY
House (9 p.m., FOX): Thanks mainly to the lead-in audience supplied by American Idol, this show has exploded into a mammoth hit this season. And though it sometimes follows its blueprint a little too closely, the performances – especially by Hugh Laurie as the wacky doc of the title – always keep it watchable. Idiocy Factor: 9
WEDNESDAY
American Idol (8 p.m., FOX): People love this show. Other people. But far be it from me to swim against the stream on this one. America chooses its latest Idol tonight, and then we all begin the surprisingly swift process of entirely forgetting who that person is. Quick: Name another Idol besides Kelly Clarkson and Clay Aiken (and Aiken didn’t even win). Idiocy Factor: 10
Lost (9 p.m., ABC): The most confusing show on television promises to leave many, many questions unanswered, the better for its rabid fans to opine about on the Internet throughout the summer. Idiocy Factor: 10.