IN MAY, FINALES FIRE AWAY

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX

May 7, 2006

We’re well into the May sweeps period now, and the season and series finales are coming at us faster than Papelbon heater. Here at Idiot Box HQ, we don’t want you to miss a thing, so we’re breaking down this week’s finales, and grading each according to its Idiocy Factor. The IF goes from one, which means you should really only watch IF you have somehow been trapped on your coach by a falling baby grand piano (you know how often that happens) and can’t reach your remote to change the channel, to ten, which means you should only miss the show if said baby grand piano that dropped on top of your couch also killed you. In other words, a true Idiot would never miss a show with a perfect IF of ten, while only an idiot (lower case, mind you) would watch a show that earned a one.
Without further ado, this week’s finales:
MONDAY
7th Heaven (8 p.m., WB): I recently had an awkward moment when a bunch of my buddies were over at the house drinking beers and watching a ballgame and the conversation turned to our favorite shows. The usual suspects (24, Lost, The Office) were mentioned, when one of the guys suddenly blurted out that he rarely misses an episode of this show. Needless to say, he was not allowed to have any more beers. But there are others – many others – who share his enthusiasm for this wholesome family show about a Reverend and his 7-strong brood. The show has run for 10 seasons, and tonight’s series finale marks its 221st episode. Not a bad run, and as the show heads into the sunset those are impossible numbers to completely discount, even if we never really got into it. Idiocy Factor: 7 (of course)
What About Brian (10 p.m., ABC): OK, it’s hard to get all that jazzed about the season finale of a show that premiered less than a month ago. The comedy-drama about singles and marrieds in L.A. has posted solid ratings in its short run, and seems a safe bet to return to ABC next fall. If nothing else, the title of its finale, “Sex, Lies and Videotape” proves that its creators know something about what works during May sweeps. Idiocy Factor: 5
TUESDAY
Gilmore Girls (8 p.m., WB): I have a friend whose wife loves this show, to the unending despair of his five-year-old son, who often loses control of the remote when it airs in reruns during the afternoon. Good thing, you say. Five-year-olds shouldn’t have control of the remote. Good point, I say. Besides, it’s never to early to learn an important life lesson: Sometimes it’s best to just shut up and sit through Gilmore Girls, and pretend to the woman in your life that you like it. Idiocy Factor: 4
Veronica Mars (9 p.m., UPN): Men might be from Venus when it comes to this smart show about a crime-solving teen, but they shouldn’t be. Idiocy Factor: 6
WEDNESDAY
Criminal Minds (9 p.m., CBS): Considering that it’s up against Lost and that it seemed at first glance like the latest in a long line of cookie-cutter network crime dramas, this show has posted awfully solid numbers in its first season. Turns out, it deserves to. It’s creepy, smart and consistently surprising. It’s already been renewed, so look for Mandy Patinkin and the rest of the show’s solid cast back next season. Idiocy Factor: 7
THURSDAY
Everybody Hates Chris (8 p.m., UPN): Chris Rock’s semi-autobiographical look back at his childhood was one of the most ballyhooed newcomers back in the fall. It lost some of its buzz as the season went on, but is already confirmed on next year’s slate at CW, the new joint venture between CBS and UPN. Idiocy Factor: 5
Smallville (8 p.m., WB): Superman fans shouldn’t get too down after this series bids adieu for the summer. The latest big screen treatment of the superhero, Superman Returns, hits movie theaters in just a few weeks. Idiocy Factor: 6
My Name Is Earl (8:40 p.m., NBC): Yeah, it’s funny, but am I the only one who thinks the highest-rated new comedy of the season’s concept – Jason Lee’s character making up for a long list of past transgressions to improve his karma – kinda ran out of steam halfway through the season? Idiocy Factor: 7
The Office (9:20 p.m., NBC): For my money, the funniest show on network TV right now. And tonight’s 40-minute season finale was penned by star Steve Carrell, a guy who knows funny. Idiocy Factor: 10
FRIDAY
Las Vegas (10 p.m., NBC): The sudsy weekly celebration of Sin City is one of TV’s guiltiest pleasures these days, offering up a weekly buffet of airheaded plots and subplots. Sometimes you can almost see James Caan thinking “Sonny Corleone has been reduced to this?” The show is stupid, but at least it knows it. Viva Las Vegas. Idiocy Factor: 8

THE WASTEBASKET: I’ve never been a fan of Rosie O’Donnell or The View, but even I can admit that the recent hiring of the highly abrasive and opinionated Rosie O to replace Meredith Vieira on the morning gabfest was pure genius. Who doesn’t want to see Rosie square off against Starr Jones, especially since Rosie has reportedly flogged Jones for being dishonest with viewers about how she achieved her remarkable weight loss? By the way, if you’re ever in the mood for some strange reading, check out Rosie’s unhinged blog at http://www.rosie.com/... Those jokes about NBC ending up with a lineup made up entirely of Law & Order shows have at least another year of shelf life. The network announced that all three L & O’s- the original, SVU and Criminal Intent (new, improved with double the dead bodies!) will be back next year…Professional football pundit Peter King will join the roundtable on NBC’s Football Night in America, the Peacock Network’s pregame show for its return to NFL coverage on Sunday nights this fall. King is wrong about as often as he’s right, but he’s been covering the league for years and should provide decent insight. He’ll join host Bob Costas and analysts Cris Collinsworth and Jerome Bettis. And in the Factoid That May Only Interest Me Department, King is also a dead ringer for George Wendt, who played Norm on Cheers back in the NBC glory days.