WARM WEATHER MAKES COUCH POTATOES SWEAT

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX - January 29, 2006

The dead of winter is usually when we Idiot Box Addicts really hit the zone, as chilly temperatures allow us to wallow on the couch and watch the tube with absolutely no guilt.
Admit it – there’s something vaguely embarrassing about staying inside on a beautiful summer evening to watch a rerun of The Office that we’re not even sure if we’ve seen already. But during most winters, we can kick back as the wind howls outside and the snow blows and watch anything just about anything without feeling bad about it.
Oh, that Dr. Phil special is on? Again? Well, it beats frostbite.
A Laguna Beach marathon? Better than dragging out the snowblower.
See? Idiot Box addicts rely on a harsh winter. That’s what makes these recent warm temperatures so disconcerting for us. If going outside on a Saturday afternoon – for, egads, exercise or something similarly hideous – is an option, how can we be expected to truly enjoy ourselves?
You see the dilemma. It’s a tough quandary, and I’m not sure I have the answer for you. But I do know that some of you have probably fallen behind lately, and that’s what I’m here for.
So here’s a quick rundown of new or returning shows that have hit the airwaves over the past few weeks, while some of you Idiot Boxers have been slacking off.
* American Idol (Fox, Tuesday and Wednesday nights at 8): The glorified karaoke contest was once thought to be a passing fad, but its recent fifth season premiere earned the show its highest ratings ever. It has now become that rarest of things in the 500-channel universe: A true “appointment” show that brings together a significant percentage of the TV-watching public. I’ve never been a huge fan of Idol, but I do enjoy the early episodes in each season, which always feature the lamest auditioners warbling horrible songs off-key and being summarily lampooned by that Brit twit Simon Cowell. Otherwise, the contest only really gets exciting once Paula Abdul starts sleeping with one of the contestants.
* The Bachelor, Paris (ABC, Mondays at 10): Did someone say cringeworthy? I thought ABC had retired this one for good, but here it is again. The bachelor is a doctor named Travis, and he redefined the word “boring” on the season premiere a few weeks back. The guess is that producers think setting this installment in Paris, the home of romance and rude people, can jumpstart the franchise, despite the fact that Travis appears to have no pulse. Travis didn’t help things with his choices – sure, the contestant who told him she was ready to start her “reproductive phase” during their first conversation probably wasn’t wife-material, but she made for great TV. What was he thinking not giving her a rose? And no, I can’t believe I just typed that question either.
* Love Monkey (CBS, Tuesdays at 10): I caught a few minutes of the series premiere a few weeks back, or long enough to see the guy who used to be on Ed (Tom Cavanagh) make a Jerry Maguire-esque speech about the ideals of the record business, only to be summarily fired by his record company boss, played by an embarrassed looking Eric Bogosian. I like Ed (I refuse to call Cavanagh anything but Ed), but I’m with Bogosian. Next!
* Four Kings (NBC, Thursdays at 8:30): Having moved My Name Is Earl and The Office to the 9-10 p.m. block on Thursdays, NBC has some of the pieces in place to return to its Must-See TV glory days. Alas, one of the pieces is not this cookie-cutter sitcom, about a quartet of young guys who share an apartment in New York. Here’s hoping Earl and The Office don’t get crushed by CBS’ CSI juggernaut. Unlike Four Kings, those are two of the best shows on television.
* The Book of Daniel (NBC, Fridays at 10): I admit to not having seen this new drama yet. Aidan Quinn, who stars as the title character, an Episcopalian priest in a small-town, is a fine actor, but will Sox fans really want to watch a show about a priest who receives psychic guidance from that traitor Johnny Damon? Oh wait, that’s supposed to be Jesus? I guess that changes things. (Note to blog readers: Know what else changes things? The fact that the show was cancelled after this column went to press. So much for divine intervention.)
* Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Thursdays at 8): The surprise summer hit is back with a whole new lineup of Z-list stars ready to cha-cha-cha for our viewing pleasure. Among the already-eliminated “stars” are Kenny Mayne, Tatum O’Neal and Giselle Fernandez, and if you know who all three of those people are (without Googling them) there is a special circle of Hades reserved especially for you and your ilk. I can’t really decide who I like best among the remaining dancers, though I am rooting very intensely for George Hamilton to do an incredibly tan face-plant.
* Skating with Celebrities (Fox, Mondays at 8): Has there ever been a more jarringly juxtaposed night of television than the current Fox Monday lineup. Skating with Celebrities at 8, followed by 24 at 9? Huh? Did someone over at Fox HQ screw up the Excel chart? Anyway, I kind of like the fact that Fox has supplied a “tournament bracket” – a la the NCAA Tournament - for the competition on its website, presumably encouraging office pools. Just to be clear, if someone asks you to enter a Skating with Celebrities office pool, you have my full permission to hurt them. Also, Nancy Kerrigan is on this show. Insert your own joke here.