WARM WEATHER MAKES COUCH POTATOES SWEAT

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX - January 29, 2006

The dead of winter is usually when we Idiot Box Addicts really hit the zone, as chilly temperatures allow us to wallow on the couch and watch the tube with absolutely no guilt.
Admit it – there’s something vaguely embarrassing about staying inside on a beautiful summer evening to watch a rerun of The Office that we’re not even sure if we’ve seen already. But during most winters, we can kick back as the wind howls outside and the snow blows and watch anything just about anything without feeling bad about it.
Oh, that Dr. Phil special is on? Again? Well, it beats frostbite.
A Laguna Beach marathon? Better than dragging out the snowblower.
See? Idiot Box addicts rely on a harsh winter. That’s what makes these recent warm temperatures so disconcerting for us. If going outside on a Saturday afternoon – for, egads, exercise or something similarly hideous – is an option, how can we be expected to truly enjoy ourselves?
You see the dilemma. It’s a tough quandary, and I’m not sure I have the answer for you. But I do know that some of you have probably fallen behind lately, and that’s what I’m here for.
So here’s a quick rundown of new or returning shows that have hit the airwaves over the past few weeks, while some of you Idiot Boxers have been slacking off.
* American Idol (Fox, Tuesday and Wednesday nights at 8): The glorified karaoke contest was once thought to be a passing fad, but its recent fifth season premiere earned the show its highest ratings ever. It has now become that rarest of things in the 500-channel universe: A true “appointment” show that brings together a significant percentage of the TV-watching public. I’ve never been a huge fan of Idol, but I do enjoy the early episodes in each season, which always feature the lamest auditioners warbling horrible songs off-key and being summarily lampooned by that Brit twit Simon Cowell. Otherwise, the contest only really gets exciting once Paula Abdul starts sleeping with one of the contestants.
* The Bachelor, Paris (ABC, Mondays at 10): Did someone say cringeworthy? I thought ABC had retired this one for good, but here it is again. The bachelor is a doctor named Travis, and he redefined the word “boring” on the season premiere a few weeks back. The guess is that producers think setting this installment in Paris, the home of romance and rude people, can jumpstart the franchise, despite the fact that Travis appears to have no pulse. Travis didn’t help things with his choices – sure, the contestant who told him she was ready to start her “reproductive phase” during their first conversation probably wasn’t wife-material, but she made for great TV. What was he thinking not giving her a rose? And no, I can’t believe I just typed that question either.
* Love Monkey (CBS, Tuesdays at 10): I caught a few minutes of the series premiere a few weeks back, or long enough to see the guy who used to be on Ed (Tom Cavanagh) make a Jerry Maguire-esque speech about the ideals of the record business, only to be summarily fired by his record company boss, played by an embarrassed looking Eric Bogosian. I like Ed (I refuse to call Cavanagh anything but Ed), but I’m with Bogosian. Next!
* Four Kings (NBC, Thursdays at 8:30): Having moved My Name Is Earl and The Office to the 9-10 p.m. block on Thursdays, NBC has some of the pieces in place to return to its Must-See TV glory days. Alas, one of the pieces is not this cookie-cutter sitcom, about a quartet of young guys who share an apartment in New York. Here’s hoping Earl and The Office don’t get crushed by CBS’ CSI juggernaut. Unlike Four Kings, those are two of the best shows on television.
* The Book of Daniel (NBC, Fridays at 10): I admit to not having seen this new drama yet. Aidan Quinn, who stars as the title character, an Episcopalian priest in a small-town, is a fine actor, but will Sox fans really want to watch a show about a priest who receives psychic guidance from that traitor Johnny Damon? Oh wait, that’s supposed to be Jesus? I guess that changes things. (Note to blog readers: Know what else changes things? The fact that the show was cancelled after this column went to press. So much for divine intervention.)
* Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Thursdays at 8): The surprise summer hit is back with a whole new lineup of Z-list stars ready to cha-cha-cha for our viewing pleasure. Among the already-eliminated “stars” are Kenny Mayne, Tatum O’Neal and Giselle Fernandez, and if you know who all three of those people are (without Googling them) there is a special circle of Hades reserved especially for you and your ilk. I can’t really decide who I like best among the remaining dancers, though I am rooting very intensely for George Hamilton to do an incredibly tan face-plant.
* Skating with Celebrities (Fox, Mondays at 8): Has there ever been a more jarringly juxtaposed night of television than the current Fox Monday lineup. Skating with Celebrities at 8, followed by 24 at 9? Huh? Did someone over at Fox HQ screw up the Excel chart? Anyway, I kind of like the fact that Fox has supplied a “tournament bracket” – a la the NCAA Tournament - for the competition on its website, presumably encouraging office pools. Just to be clear, if someone asks you to enter a Skating with Celebrities office pool, you have my full permission to hurt them. Also, Nancy Kerrigan is on this show. Insert your own joke here.

Annapolis - 1/2* (BAD MOVIE ALERT!!!!!)

ANNAPOLIS - DROP AND GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK


"You! Plebe!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"Have you seen the new movie Annapolis!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"It can't possibly be as bad as it looks, now, can it, maggot?!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"Is it really about a down-and-out local kid who tries to make something of his life by joining the Navy only to be harrassed by a black drill sergeant!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"Didn't they already make a movie like that called An Officer and a Gentleman?"

"THAT IS CORRECT, SIR!"

"And, tell me maggot, is it also true that the down-and-out local kid turns out to be a hotshot boxer and falls in love with a woman who is one of his commanding officers!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"And didn't they already make a movie like that called Top Gun?"

"SIR, ALL EXCEPT THE BOXING PART, SIR!"

"What's that? Are you giving me lip, plebe?!"

"SIR NO SIR!"

"Oh no? I think you are! I think you are, plebe! Drop and give me twenty!"

"SIR, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MOVIE REVIEW, SIR! THERE IS NO EXERCISE ALLOWED, SIR!"

"Well, you're lucky for that, plebe. Because if there were, I'd have you doing so many push-ups you'd be begging to watch Annapolis again!"

"SIR, THERE AREN'T ENOUGH PUSH-UPS IN THE WORLD FOR THAT, SIR!"

"So, what about this movie you saw then, plebe? Did it also have a car that drove itself around?"

"SIR NO SIR! IT DID NOT!"

"Are you telling me it did not have a car that drove itself around, maggot?!"

"SIR NO SIR! I BELIEVE YOU ARE THINKING OF THE HERBIE MOVIES, SIR!"

"I'll be damned! I could've sworn I saw on Entertainment Tonight that there was a car like that in Annapolis!"

"SIR, ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT IS FREQUENTLY WRONG, SIR! AND IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER SIR, THE HERBIE MOVIES WERE ABOUT THE ONLY ONES NOT RIPPED OFF BY ANNAPOLIS, SIR!"

"No that does not make me feel any better! And you watch your mouth about Entertainment Tonight! You want to run until tomorrow plebe?!"

"SIR, AGAIN, THE EXERCISE THING, SIR!"

"Are you telling me you don't watch Entertainment Tonight, plebe? That Mary Hart has some fine legs! Don't you think maggot?!"

"SIR, MARY HART HAS STAYED IN GREAT SHAPE, SIR!"

"I heard her legs were once insured by Lloyd's of London for a million dollars. Did you hear that, plebe?"

"SIR NO SIR!"

"Are your legs insured for a million dollars, smartass?!"

"SIR NO SIR! ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT ANNAPOLIS, SIR?!"

"Don't talk smart to me! So who's in this movie?!"

"SIR, JAMES FRANCO, SIR! HE PLAYS THE BOXING MIDSHIPMAN!"

"Now tell me, hotshot: Who the hell is he?"

"SIR, HE WAS IN SPIDER-MAN, SIR!"

"Do you think that helps me at all, son?!?"

"SIR, I GUESS NOT, SIR!"

"Who else is in it?"

"SIR, TYRESE GIBSON, SIR! AND JORDANA BREWSTER, SIR!"

"And three strikes yer out, maggot! Never heard of any of them either!"

"SIR, THEY'RE BARELY ADEQUATE AND HAMPERED BY A DERIVITAVE PLOT, SIR!"

"And who the hell are you all of a sudden, Roger Ebert? That man's never done a push-up in his life!"

"SIR, IT'S THE MOVIE REVIEW THING, SIR!"

"So what happens, maggot? Does the boxer win the big fight and get the girl?!"

"SIR, HE GETS THE GIRL, SIR! SIR, BUT HE LOSES THE BIG FIGHT, SIR!"

"Son, did you just ruin the ending for me?!"

"SIR, THE ENDING DOES THAT ON ITS OWN, SIR! SIR, ONE MORE THING, SIR!"

"What's that, maggot?!"

"SIR, AFTER THE ANNAPOLIS SCREENING, I RAN INTO LOCAL NBC MOVIE CRITIC ARCH CAMPBELL IN THE MEN'S ROOM, SIR! HE ASKED IF I THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS A CROSS BETWEEN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN AND CINDERELLA BABY, SIR!"

"What the hell is Cinderella Baby, son?!"

"SIR, I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE, SIR!"

"And what did you say in response to Local NBC Movie Critic Arch Campbell, plebe?"

"SIR, I SAID NOTHING, SIR!"

"You said nothing?"

"SIR, I WAS STANDING AT THE URINAL AT THE TIME, SIR! BY SPEAKING TO ME, LOCAL NBC MOVIE CRITIC ARCH CAMPBELL WAS FLAGRANTLY VIOLATING URINAL ETIQUETTE, SIR!"

"You're @#$&% right he was! It looks like we have taught you something here after all, smartass!"

"SIR, THANK YOU, SIR!"

"That's enough! You've said more than enough for today, maggot! Now before I send you running until you puke your guts out, I only have one more question for you."

"SIR YES SIR!"

"What was the name of that car movie again?"

A KRIPPLING CURSE

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX - January 22, 2006

Remember Jenna Elfman? She was on that show Dharma & Greg back in the late 1990s – I think she played Dharma, but I can’t be sure since I avoided the show as studiously as I avoid beets. She was also supposed to be the Next Big Thing, at least for a few minutes.

However, her career was derailed – as so many promising careers have been – by a little something I like to call the Krippendorf’s Curse. You may never have heard of this rare condition, but trust me, it’s real, and it afflicts anyone who had anything to do with the 1998 film Krippendorf’s Tribe, about an anthropologist who makes his family dress up as New Guinea tribe members so he can claim that he has “discovered” a new African tribe.

Do I even need to tell you that this was a truly awful movie? I watched a few fleeting moments of it on cable once and was so stupefied by it that, had my hand not already been clutching the remote control, I might have been forever paralyzed by the sheer force of its atrocity. Thankfully, I quickly flipped to something less disturbing, like that channel where they show surgeries.

Besides Elfman, the stars of movie were Richard Dreyfuss, Natasha Lyonne and Lily Tomlin. In the years since, those actors have combined to appear in approximately zero watchable pictures, unless you count the mug shot of Lyonne taken after her 2001 arrest for drunk driving. In fact, the once-promising young actress’ most memorable line since falling under the Krippendorf’s Curse came not in any movie, but at the scene of the DUI arrest, when she reportedly told the cops “I’m a movie star. Can I talk to my entertainment lawyer?’

But let’s get back to Elfman. Sure, she hung around on TV as Dharma for a few more years after getting Krippendorf Cursed, but she lost her It factor. And then, once the show went bye-bye in 2002, she disappeared so completely you would have thought she witnessed a mob hit.

But wait. The leggy blonde is back on the small screen this week on Courting Alex, which premieres on CBS tomorrow night at 9:30. On the show, Elfman plays the title character who, according to its web site, is “an attractive, single, semi-workaholic with one simple goal: to find true love while balancing a career as a successful lawyer.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but that kind of sounds like two goals to me. Perhaps I'm confused by the legalese.

Now I’m not saying the Curse is already in effect, but I would like to point at that most discerning TV viewers will be watching Fox’s 24 at that hour. The Fox hit returned last week with a quartet of ridiculously exciting episodes and scored some of its best ratings ever As if the Krippendorf Curse weren't powerful enough, would you want to be taking on Jack Bauer, too?
Courting Alex premieres tomorrow night at 9:30 on CBS.

NOT SO BLEAK: It’s true that we Idiot Box addicts subsist mainly on junky TV fare like MTV’s Cribs and Fox’s Family Guy, but once in while we do step out for a little sophistication. And by step out for a little sophistication, I mean stay in and watch PBS. That’s why tonight at 9, I’ll be checking out the premiere of Bleak House, a six-part mini-series based on the Charles Dickens tale. Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a regular viewer of Masterpiece Theatre, which is a bit too tea-and-crumpets for my beer-and-pizza taste. But then again, not every Masterpiece Theatre show can boast an ex-X-Files star (Gillian Anderson) and “some of the most famous plot twists in history, including a case of spontaneous human combustion.” HELLO! Did someone say “spontaneous human combustion”? I am so there. The main plot has something to do with an inheritance dispute that last for generations, which should provide its own fireworks, too.
Bleak House premieres tonight at 9 on WGBH, Ch. 2, and continues at the same time for the next six weeks.

COUCH POTATO OR MOVIE MOGUL? You don’t have to travel all the way out to Park City, Utah, to keep track of all the happenings at the Sundance Film Festival, Robert Redford’s annual showcase of indie film that has become one of the main showcases for emerging show biz talent. The festival runs through next Sunday, and every night this week, the Sundance Channel will air “Sundance Dailies,” a recap of each day’s events and premieres. Check it out nightly at 11:30 p.m. For more information, visit. http://www.sundance.com

Glory Road - ***

The latest in a long line of inspirational sports flicks - think Hoosiers meets Remember the Titans - Glory Road does the genre proud. Based on the true story of the Texas Western Miners, the team that in 1966 became the first ever to win the NCAA Basketball Championship with an all-black starting lineup, the movie shoots and scores with a savvy blend of sports action social commentary.

Actually, it's far shorter on the latter than it could have been, since the movie essentially deals with the racism faced by the black players in a few quick scenes. But it gets the point across - and besides, this is a Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer collaboration, so if you go in looking for a Spike Lee Joint, you'll probably be disappointed. Everyone else, though, will appreciate Glory Road for what it is: A family-friendly movie about a group of young men and coach Don Haskins (Josh Lucas) who overcame large odds and larger obstacles on their way to one of the most improbable wins of all time. It all leads up to Texas Western's shocking upset over Kentucky (look for Jon Voight in a killer turn as good 'ol boy UK Coach Adolph Rupp) in the NCAA title game, a stirring finale to an uplifting story about a team that literally changed the face of college basketball and - more importantly - changed a lot of minds as well.

Underworld:Evolution - * (BAD MOVIE ALERT!!!!!)

Ever had food poisoning? Well, remember how after you had it - and endured all the wonderful effects of salmonella or whatever it was that felled you - you swore you'd never, ever eat whatever it was that made you sick again? And that for a period of time the mere thought of that food was enough to make you feel like puking?

That's kind of the way I felt after seeing Underworld a few years ago. All I remember about it is that even though it featured Kate Beckinsale playing a vampire who spent the entire movie traipsing around in a skin tight leather bodysuit, it still somehow managed to stink out loud. It rocketed to the top of my Ten Worst list for '03, and I swore I'd never, ever watch it again.

And then came this week, when my critic's duties sent me to a theater to see Underworld: Evolution. Right when the movie began, all the horrid memories of the first one came flooding back - the way-too stylized dark and rainy palette, the godawful special effects and the hideously moronic story about a centuries-old battle between vampires and werewolves. Yes, I felt like puking.

The new one picks up where the original left off, unfortunately for everyone. Beckinsale returns as the leather-clad vampire, and someone named Scott Speedman - I am shocked! Shocked! that he hasn't become a big star after his performance in the original - returns as some sort of half vampire/half werewolf who used to be human. Let's just say Speedman won't need to be polishing up his Oscar speech.

Speaking of polishing up his Oscar speech, did you catch Philip Seymour Hoffman at the Golden Globes the other night? He's the front-runner to win the Best Actor Oscar this year for Capote, and now I know why: He has clearly eaten all his competitors. I mean, have a salad, my friend. And there's something to be said for not buying into the movie star glamour thing, but Philip, my man, would it be too much to ask to tuck in your shirt and pull up your tie? You're accepting a supposedly prestigious award, not playing one of the Blues Brothers.

But back to Underworld: Evolution, which spends much of its time recapping what happened in the first movie, which is probably a good idea since not a whole lot of people saw that one. It makes you wonder just what it takes to earn a sequel these days (as if the existence of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and Big Momma's House 2 hadn't done that already). Time was, a movie actually needed to be a hit to get a sequel. But Underworld could barely even be called a modest success - it earned just over $50 million bucks at the US box office and its worldwide take never cracked $100 million.

Just how unpleasant is the sequel? Within the first ten minutes, the movie offers dozens of beheadings that result in rivers of blood, a graphic autopsy and - just in case you don't think you're getting your money's worth - a little projectile vomiting. Beckinsale shows up in her leather get-up, but not even Kate's outfit can distract us from the movie's absurdly high crap factor. Once again, we get vampires against werewolves. Apparently, 800 years ago there were these twin brothers, see? One of them turned into a vampire and became the vampire leader. The other went the werewolf route, because, as everyone knows, that's where all the money was back then. Plus - as Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman once taught us - those cats can really hoop it up.

After some unpleasantness between the siblings, the werewolf brother got himself locked up for all time in a secret underground cell. This is the part where you might ask why, if they were going to lock him up for all time, didn't they just go ahead and kill him? I wish I had an answer for that. I really do. So now, 8 centuries later, the vampire brother - who sometimes sprouts wings and would list "impaling" as one of his hobbies on his myspace profile - is hellbent to find the key to his locked-up bro's underground cell and set him free. For what, who knows? Maybe they want to enter The Amazing Race together. The better question is, if they wanted to lock this werewolf brother up in a secret underground cell for all time, why'd they make a key?

I think you get the idea that this is a terrible, terrible movie. Another sequel is probably inevitable, especially since the original's lack of critical or commercial success wasn't enough to prevent this one. But if this is evolution, I can't imagine what comes next.

Back Again to Save the World

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX - January 15, 2006

The last time we saw Agent Jack Bauer on Fox’s 24 – aka The Most Ridiculously Nerve-Wracking Show in TV History – it was last May, and the world’s luckiest and unluckiest man (Yes, he holds both titles) was strolling off into the sunset with a backpack slung over his shoulder, Incredible Hulk style. All that was missing was the tinkling of the piano keys and a Bill Bixby voiceover.
That was nearly 8 months ago, and whatever Jack’s been doing since, he certainly deserved a little R&R. Or do I need to remind you that last season all the man did was narrowly avert a missile attack on nuclear power plants all over the United State? It was his worst day yet – and that’s saying something.
But last season’s finale for the famously real-time action show didn’t tie up all the loose ends. Tonight, 24 finally returns for its fifth season, which promises to be another no good, very bad day for Kiefer Sutherland and his pals at the Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU), and the first question that needs to be answered is: How has Bauer managed to steer clear of Chinese government officials? If you recall, the Chinese were extremely displeased with Bauer by last season’s end for reasons which are far too convoluted to be adequately explained here, but which involved a ski mask and a fair amount of torture. Come to think of it, doesn’t nearly every episode of 24 involve a ski mask and a fair amount of torture?
I don’t know about you, but I’m seriously jazzed about the new season, even if I’m not quite sure what exactly the writers can throw at him at this point. Here’s a quick review of what Bauer has been able to accomplish already during the show’s run (and remember, each season takes place over the 24 hours of a single day):
Season One: Foiled an assassination attempt on a Presidential candidate while simultaneously dealing with kidnappers who were holding his wife and his incredible stupid daughter Kim hostage.
Season Two: Foiled a plan to set off a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles, while simultaneously attempting to deal with the incredible stupidity of his daughter Kim.
Season Three: Foiled a terrorist plot to release a deadly airborne virus in Los Angeles, while simultaneously coping with his incredibly stupid daughter Kim, who during this season – in the show’s most egregious stretch of credulity yet – worked for CTU.
Season Four: Foiled the aforementioned nuclear power plan plot. To the unending delight of most of the show’s fan, his daughter Kim did not appear during this season, but was undoubtedly off someplace doing incredibly stupid things.
Now those are some really bad days. Still, if you believe the promos that have been running seemingly round-the-clock on Fox these days, this season is going to be Bauer’s “worst day yet.” Yikes.
You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t actually mentioned exactly what is going to happen this season. That’s because – as a huge fan of the show – I’d rather not know. If you’re really interested, there are countless web sites that report “spoilers” and speculate on what might happen to the gang this year. But for most fans, the fun of watching 24 has always been the surprises, which fly as fast as all the bullets and punches. From its very inception, the show’s writers have proven that viewers should be ready for anything. The fun begins tonight.
Tonight’s two-hour 24 premiere begins at 8 p.m. and is followed by another two-hour installment tomorrow night at the same time. After that, the show settles into its regular Monday at 9 p.m. and runs new episodes every week until May.

COMIC TALK: If you’re a fan of stand-up comedy, check out TV Land’s new interview show Sitdown Comedy with David Steinberg. The show is an entertaining variation of Bravo’s successful Inside the Actors Studio, with veteran comedian Steinberg interviewing his peers in front of a live audience and generally functioning as a less annoying James Lipton. Already during the show’s run, Steinberg has queried comic royalty including Bob Newhart, Larry David, Mike Myers and Martin Short. This Wednesday at 10 p.m., on the final episode of the show’s first season, Steinberg will talk with George Lopez, whose ABC sitcom has become a sleeper hit. It’s worth checking out, and worth seeking out reruns of the earlier episodes, especially the one with the historically interview-phobic David. It’s a hoot, and the Steinberg’s show – which will almost certainly become a must-stop for comedians to talk shop – makes for surprisingly fascinating viewing.
Sitdown Comedy with David Steinberg airs Wednesday nights at 10 p.m. on TV Land.

Match Point - **1/2

If you're a Woody Allen fan, take all that buzz you're hearing that the Woodman's latest, Match Point, finds him back at the top of his game with a grain of salt. And make it a big grain of salt - like about as big as a tennis ball, an appropriate size for a movie that takes the bounce of a ball as its central metaphor about luck.

Yes, the London(!)-set thriller is Allen's best movie in years, but that's kind of like claiming that Patrick Swayze's forthcoming rap song will be his biggest hit since "She's Like The Wind." It's not exactly high praise. OK, I realize comparing Woody Allen's movies to Patrick Swayze's, well, anything is a very low blow, but I think I'd rather sit through Road House or Red Dawn than anything Allen has put out in, oh, the last decade and a half or so.

Quick. Let's play a little word association with the five most recent Woody Allen movies:

Melinda and Melinda (2004) = Terrible
Anything Else (2003) = Godawful
Hollywood Ending (2003) = Mediocre
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2002) = Pudding
Small Time Crooks (2001) = Stunk

Those words aren't pretty, are they? Well, with the exception of "pudding," which is a delicious, underappreciated dessert that has nothing at all to do with The Curse of the Jade Scorpion. But, hey, I'm hungry.

The point is that even though Match Point is, in fact, Woody Allen's best movie in recent years, it's still far from great. And it's nowhere near as entertaining or as interesting as Allen's best movies, a list that, in my book, includes no less than three bona fide masterpieces in Crimes and Misdemeanors, Hannah and Her Sisters and Annie Hall.

Perhaps hoping to shake out of his slump, the famously Manhattan-centric director has shifted the action in Match Point from the Upper East Side to London, where a struggling Irish tennis pro named Chris (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) takes a job teaching the game to upper crust Brits at a stuffy tennis club. In short order, the up-from-his-bootstraps Chris meets Tom, whose wealthy family sports enormous assets, including Tom's sister Chloe, who immediately falls for Chris.

Sensing a shot at upward mobility, Chris rushes the net, marries Chloe and takes a job working as a financial analyst at one of her father's many companies. Things begin to get complicated, though, when Tom's fiance, a sultry struggling American actress named Nola (Scarlett Johannson) enters the picture. Chris is immediately infatuated with Nola, and the two strike up a torrid affair that intensifies once Tom breaks off the engagement. And by torrid, I mean the kind that begins with Chris and Nola wrestling around the muddy English countryside in the middle of a driving rainstorm and ends with ... well, I suppose I shouldn't tell you that, should I? Let's just say it ends badly.

Match Point looks great, and not just because it features the increasingly radiant Johannson, who makes for a perfect femme fatale, and Rhys-Meyers, whose most recognizable previous role was as the soccer coach in Bend it Like Beckham. Allen's script and direction combine to build a cool noir vibe, and when the movie really works - like in a scene when Chris and Nola verbally joust over a late afternoon pint at a pub - it crackles.

But I was distracted by the fact that Allen has lifted the movie's plot directly from one of the subplots of the aforementioned Crimes and Misdemeanors. In fact, substitute London for New York and make the characters involved younger, and you're left with the exact same moral dilemma at the center of each movie. But where Allen turned Crimes and Misdemeanors into a chilling examination of guilt, compromise and the fallacy of absolute morality, in Match Point he takes the same quandary and delivers the chills, but not the examination. The result is a finely crafted Hitchcockian thriller that keeps you guessing, but leaves you empty. It entertains but - unlike Allen's greatest work - never enriches.

Munich - ****

Don't be thrown off by the title of Steven Spielberg's new movie. Munich takes its name from an awful event - the kidnapping and massacre of 11 Israeli athletes by Palestinian terrorists at the 1972 Olympics, but it isn't really about it. And though it focuses its action on the quest by a team of covert Mossad agents to exact retribution on the Palestinians behind the Olympic massacre, the movie isn't really about that, either.

What Spielberg's gripping, fascinating film is about is the effect of sanctioned killing, on the individual who carries it out and on the society or culture that condones it, even - perhaps especially - if the killing is believed to serve a higher purpose. The movie has sparked sharp criticism from those who would like it to take clearer sides on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, though it would be hard to imagine that any intelligent moviegoer wouldn't realize on which side the director who made Schindler's List would fall in that debate. What makes the complaints more specious is the fact that the movie's hero is clearly Avner Kaufman (Eric Bana), the young leader of the Mossad group that scours Europe finding and killing Palestinians it believes helped carry out the Olympic killings.

As his mission drags on, and as the list of those he must kill keeps growing while bodies of Israelis and Palestinians pile up around the world, Avner, who has left a young wife and newborn child at home to undertake the secret killings, grapples with the usefulness of his assignment. In terms of pace, the movie traces the same arc of disillusionment. At the beginning of the film, Spielberg stages the reprisal bombings as if he were directing one of his popcorn summer blockbusters - tight, tense scenes that end with rousing explosions. But this is far from a popcorn film, and by the end, the bombings carried out by the team are rote affairs, drudgingly enacted by agents who have by now seen too much to believe that another explosion will bring the conflict any closer to its conclusion. By the end, another explosion just means another dead body, and - as to paraphrase one of the Mossad agents in the film - another black mark on their souls.

As pointed out during its opening credits, the movie is "inspired by real events," and should not be taken as an historically accurate recreation of the events at Munich and the aftermath. What is should be taken as is an amazing, ambitious film that lays impossibly difficult questions about the appropriate response to terrorist acts at the feet of the audience, then leaves each of us to make up our own minds. And if a single glance at the front page of the newspaper doesn't tell you how relevant the questions it tackles are, the movie's heartbreaking, haunting final image leaves no doubt.

This is one of the best movies of the year.