Over The Hedge, Animal Style

Apparently, a marauding gang of monkeys has been breaking into million dollar homes in the South African beach enclave of Cape Peninsula and, ahem, "clearing out pantries, emptying fridges, and defecating over the designer furnishings."

This is one of those situations involving monkeys that sounds horrifying if you picture it actually happening to you, but sounds downright hilarious if you imagine it as a Super Bowl ad. I choose to take the latter route, and so, apparently, does a South African named Jenni Trethowan. Jenni, you see, is a uniter, not a divider (No word on whether she is also a "decider"), and she had this to say about one of the baboon gang members/serial defecators called Quizzy: "He's the nicest baboon you could ever hope to meet. I love that baboon."

Methinks Jenni's tune might change if it were her designer furnishings on which Quizzy was defecating, but still. Read on here.

FINALES GO OUT WITH GUNS ABLAZE

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX

May 21, 2006

Like thoroughbreds gearing up for one final push in a Triple Crown race – only without all the huffing and puffing and physical exertion in general, not to mention the oats – we idiots are turning the corner and coming down the home stretch of May Sweeps. Not that there’ll be much rest for our weary remote thumbs come month’s end, since June will bring a slew of new summer shows and, yikes, The Sopranos season finale, but the end of May Sweeps has traditionally marked the close of the official TV season.
And so, like the grills that will soon be rolled out for the Memorial Day barbecue, we roll past in the opposite direction with the final installment of the May Sweeps Idiocy Factor, and remind you one final time that the higher the Factor, the more of an idiot you’d have to be to miss it.
TONIGHT
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (7 p.m., ABC): Every time I turn on this show, someone is crying. Which makes me wonder if they’re building houses for these people or tearing them down. Idiocy Factor: 5.
The Simpsons (8 p.m., FOX): Here’s how long this show has been on: If baby Maggie actually aged, she’d be going off to college in the fall. Yikes. The most amazing thing about the long-running show is that it’s still funny as it closes its 17th season. Mandy Moore and Stacy Keach are guests on tonight’s season-ender. Idiocy Factor: 7.
Charmed (8 p.m., WB): After eight seasons, the witchy trio casts their final spell and rides off on their broomsticks forever. Wait, seriously? This show ran for eight seasons? Hocus Pocus, indeed. Idiocy Factor: 6.
Family Guy (8:30 p.m., FOX): In its second time around, the show has finally shed its “Simpsons clone” baggage, even though, yes, it remains just that. Still, its pop culture-reliant jokes hit the mark more often than they miss. It’s a guilty pleasure. Idiocy Factor: 7.
Desperate Housewives (9 p.m., ABC): Yes, it still gets big ratings. But nobody talks about this show anymore. Has any hot show ever cooled off so quickly? Idiocy Factor: 6
TOMORROW
The King of Queens (8 p.m., CBS): I can't believe this show was relegated to midseason replacement status on next season's CBS fall schedule. I also can't believe it's been on for 8 years. Cripes, how old am I? Tonight, a fire in the basement has Kevin dreaming of reinventing the space as a media room. Idiocy Factor: 7.
24 (8 p.m., FOX): This has been one of the least plausible seasons for Jack Bauer and his CTU co-horts ever, and that’s saying something. Fortunately, thanks partly to a magnificent performance by Gregory Itzin as the weaselly President, it has also been one of the most addictive and entertaining. This is still TV’s biggest rush. Idiocy Factor: 10.
Two and a Half Men (9 p.m., CBS): Yes, this is the highest-rated sitcom on television. Yes, that is the sound of the writers at Scrubs, The Office and the late, great Arrested Development smacking their foreheads in frustration. Idiocy Factor: 6.
Alias (9 p.m., ABC): Back in 2001, this show and 24 were the buzzed-about new action dramas. But while Jack Bauer just keeps zipping along, Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner) is going out for good with a whimper, and with little notice. Too bad, since for its first two seasons – before creator JJ Abrams got distracted by Lost and MI3 - this was a great, great show. Idiocy Factor: 7.
The New Adventures of Old Christine (9:30 p.m., CBS): While hosting SNL a few weeks back, Julia Louis-Dreyfus went on and on about how she had finally broken the Seinfeld curse. I think viewers of this lame sitcom might disagree. Idiocy Factor: 3.
CSI: Miami (10 p.m., CBS): I saw an article recently that claimed that, with foreign audiences factored in, this is the most-watched TV drama in the world. This only means that not everyone is as annoyed by David Caruso as I am. Idiocy Factor: 7
Medium (10 p.m., NBC): A confession: After weeks of pretending I enjoy this show because my wife likes to watch it, I actually am finding myself enjoying it. Without pretending, I mean. Is that wrong? Idiocy Factor: 8
TUESDAY
House (9 p.m., FOX): Thanks mainly to the lead-in audience supplied by American Idol, this show has exploded into a mammoth hit this season. And though it sometimes follows its blueprint a little too closely, the performances – especially by Hugh Laurie as the wacky doc of the title – always keep it watchable. Idiocy Factor: 9
WEDNESDAY
American Idol (8 p.m., FOX): People love this show. Other people. But far be it from me to swim against the stream on this one. America chooses its latest Idol tonight, and then we all begin the surprisingly swift process of entirely forgetting who that person is. Quick: Name another Idol besides Kelly Clarkson and Clay Aiken (and Aiken didn’t even win). Idiocy Factor: 10
Lost (9 p.m., ABC): The most confusing show on television promises to leave many, many questions unanswered, the better for its rabid fans to opine about on the Internet throughout the summer. Idiocy Factor: 10.

I bet this monkey would have been funny

If he hadn't been mauled to death by a trio of bears at a Dutch zoo, that is. OK, so that's not the actual monkey that was eaten. What do you expect, The New York Times?

In any case, this is certainly the worst crisis to hit Monkeys Are Always Funny headquarters since the nearly simultaneous 1996 release of the films Dunston Checks In and Ed, a couple of monkey-driven alleged comedies that produced nary a laugh between them. Of course, we got around that one by pointing out that those movies starred Jason Alexander and Matt LeBlanc, respectively, and that not even the most transcendentally funny monkey performance could overcome that kind of baggage.

So what happened at that Dutch zoo? Well, here's what someone at the zoo said in a statement: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."

Well, that's one way to put it. The other way is that an hilarious Barbary macaque was unceremoniously, um, ingested by a big, stupid, completely humorless Sloth bear and his pals as dozens of stunned, slack-jawed Dutch zoogoers looked on in horror. And that's not funny.

Wait. Maybe it kind of is.

YES. It kind of is. The Dutch zoogoers part, anyway.

Ha! Well, that's a monkey for you. Entertaining those Dutchmen and Dutchwomen with rib-tickling antics right up until his own ribs were plucked from his body at the grisly, shriek-inducing end. Now that's commitment to the craft of funny.

Last Call for Flutie Flakes

In honor of Doug Flutie's retirement yesterday, I figured the time was right for another installment of Yes, You Can Get Pretty Much Anything On ebay. To wit, check out these listings for boxes of Flutie Flakes. Yeah, there are apparently people out there who will bid on a box of cereal that is nearly a decade old. Mmm. That's good eatin'.

Flutie Flakes were produced for only a few years beginning in 1998, and their cause was a noble one. All the proceeds from the sales of the cereal benefited the Doug Flutie Jr. Foundation for Autism, which is named for the former Heisman winner's autistic son. Something tells me the dopes who are putting their cereal up for bid won't be passing along the proceeds, though.

Anyway, if you were a Flutie fan (and really, who wasn't? The guy was barely 43 inches tall and he still managed to play quarterback until he was 43 years old!) a nice way to pay tribute might be to visit his foundation's site and make a donation. Or, you could pony up a few bucks for a box of incredibly stale cereal. It's up to you.

Finale Factor Remains High

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX

May 14, 2006

It’s a big week for season (and series) finales, so let’s not waste any time. Here are this week’s denouements as judged by its Idiocy Factor – the higher the IF, the bigger an idiot you’d have to be to miss it. And off we go:


TONIGHT
King of the Hill (7:30 p.m., FOX): Is it just me, or does it seem to everyone else like this show has been on forever? It’s also on constantly in syndication on cable, so it’s hard to say that any episode qualifies as a must see. Idiocy Factor: 2.
The West Wing (8 p.m., NBC): There was a brief period at the turn of the millennium when this was one of the best dramas on television. Then came the show’s disastrously preachy post-9/11 episode, which single-handedly cost it at least 40 percent of its loyal viewers. Those who have hung on, though, claim the Oval Office drama rebounded nicely over the past few seasons. Tonight marks its final episode, so attention must be paid. Idiocy Factor: 10.
Survivor (8 p.m., CBS): It’s been kind of an uneventful season on the reality staple, but it looks as though Bostonian Danielle will still be traipsing around in skimpy swimsuits for tonight’s three-hour finale, which makes it worth Tivo-ing, at the very least. Idiocy Factor: 7.
Malcolm in the Middle (8:30 p.m., FOX): Another note of finality arrives with the last-ever installment of Fox’s Sunday night staple, which wraps up its seven-season run tonight. Yes, Malcolm remains in the middle. Where Frankie Muniz goes from here is anyone’s guess. Idiocy Factor: 8
American Dad (9 p.m., FOX): Seth McFarlane’s follow-up to Family Guy hasn’t engendered the same fanatical following as its predecessor, but it’ll be back next season. Idiocy Factor: 4.
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (10 p.m., NBC): Vincent D’Onofrio is still acting strangely on this L&O spin-off, and will continue acting strangely for at least another season. Considering how often at least one of the L&Os is on, it’s hardly worth scheduling around. Idiocy Factor: 1
TOMORROW
Prison Break (8 p.m., FOX): Considering that they started breaking out of prison back in August, I would hope these guys are out (or dead) by now. Idiocy Factor: 6
How I Met Your Mother (8:30 p.m., CBS): This show’s voiceover concept is kind of grating, but it’s funny, especially Neil Patrick Harris as randy bachelor Barney. Look for it to become an even bigger hit – especially in the ad-friendly younger demo – in the next few seasons. Idiocy Factor: 8
Grey’s Anatomy (9 p.m., ABC): Considering that this sudsy medical drama often outpaces Desperate Housewives in the ratings, it’s a bit surprising that its finale has been bumped from Sunday. But it may signal a fortuitous switch for the show, since a Monday slot will look pretty good next season when NBC’s Sunday Night Football offers up some fresh, likely unbeatable competition for ABC’s juggernaut lineup.
TUESDAY
NCIS (8 p.m., CBS): Would this show be such a hit if it was called SICN? I think not. Idiocy Factor: 5
Boston Legal (9 p.m., ABC): Any show that can resuscitate the career of one William Shatner (and simultaneously keep him away from the karaoke machine) is OK by me. Idiocy Factor: 6
The Unit (9 p.m., CBS): Relax, Sawx fans. This show isn’t about that lanky Yankee southpaw. It’s safe to watch it – recommended, even. Idiocy Factor: 7.
Scrubs (9 p.m., NBC): Whenever I tell friends how much I love this show I am met with blank stares. Which only makes me feel like I’m in on a really good inside joke. You should be, too. Idiocy Factor: 9
Law & Order: SVU (10 p.m., NBC): See Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Idiocy Factor: 1
WEDNESDAY
The Amazing Race (8 p.m., CBS): If MoJo wins, I’m pretty sure I’m going to throw up in my mouth, just a little bit. Idiocy Factor: 8
Bones (8 p.m., FOX): Ya know, that’s just not a title that makes me want to watch. Idiocy Factor: 4
America’s Next Top Model (9 p.m., UPN): Say it with me fellas: Catfight! Idiocy Factor: 7
Law & Order (10 p.m., NBC): See above for Criminal Intent, SVU. Idiocy Factor: 1
CSI: NY (10 p.m., CBS): Of all the CSIs, this seems to be the least CSI-sey, if you get me. Which you probably don’t. Idiocy Factor: 5
THURSDAY
Will & Grace (8 p.m., NBC): The big gay sitcom is calling it quits after eight flamboyant seasons. The one who’s really upset by it is Cher, who will have to find another show on which to make constant cameos. Idiocy Factor: 9
That ‘70s Show (8 p.m., FOX): After tonight’s series finale, Ashton Kutcher will officially be famous only for being famous. Idiocy Factor: 6
CSI (9 p.m., CBS): Face it: Gil Grissom is the Man. Idiocy Factor: 9
The O.C. (9 p.m., FOX): If the term “jumped the shark” hadn’t itself jumped the shark, it would be a pretty good description of the status of this show. Idiocy Factor: 4
Commander In Chief (10 p.m., CBS): Well, that didn’t last long, did it? Idiocy Factor: 3
Without a Trace (10 p.m., CBS): Sometimes, if you listen very closely, you can totally hear star Anthony Lapaglia’s Aussie accent poke through. Just sayin’, is all. Idiocy Factor:8
ER (10 p.m., NBC): Honestly, this show has become like that aunt who died in National Lampoon’s Vacation. At this point, NBC has pretty much just strapped it to the hood and keeps driving it around. Let’s hope this time next year it’s ov-ER. Idiocy Factor: 5
FRIDAY
NUMB3RS (10 p.m., CBS): I’m always a fan of any show that can pull off turning an “E” into a “3”, to say nothing of the fact this one also keeps Judd Hirsch gainfully employed.
Next Week: May Sweeps Idiocy Factor, The Finale

You've Been Juiced

Apparently, O.J. Simpson is doing his own pay-per-view special version of Punked, only on "Juiced" instead of pulling practical jokes on people, he slits their throats.
No, not really. But the show is real, and check out this story about one of the hilarious "pranks," in which O.J. tries to sell a White Bronco at a used car lot and tells prospective buyers that "It was good for me. It helped me get away."
Oh, that O.J.
Seriously, how do you follow that? What's the next episode, O.J. in a Williams-Sonoma, trying to sell cutlery?
"Here, buy this butcher's knife. It's real good, man. It was good for me. It helped me kill my wife."
Oh, the story also says O.J. did the show for free. And if you believe that, man, you've been JUICED.

Five Word Movie Review: Poseidon

POSEIDON

Summer's First Disaster Is Here

Batten Down The Lampshades

So I just got one of the saddest emails ever. It came from the Republican National Committee - somehow I'm on their email distribution list even though I'm registered as an Indepedent - and it asked whether I wanted to host a ... wait for it ... GOP House Party on May 22. Apparently, on that day, Republicans all over the country will be gathering in groups to raise money for the upcoming fall elections.

Oh, to have a hidden camera planted at one of these. I don't know how much money will be raised at the house parties, but I can guarantee that there will be a lot of people there who have carefully studied this video, and will be applying its lessons. Oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure these guys won't be invited to any of GOP House Parties, despite their starring roles in the House Party movie franchise. I mean, my God. Who dreamed up the "MyGOP House Party" idea? Must have been a Democrat.

And then, just when you though the concept couldn't get any more absurd, there is this: The organizers of the five most successful GOP House Parties will be rewarded with special edition - I kid you not - George W. Bush iPods. I'm serious - the W iPod is just like a regular iPod, only sometimes it skips and stumbles and plays the wrong song. No word on whether the success of a MyGOP House Party will be judged by how much money is raised, or by how few white guys get sent to the hospital with dance-related injuries.

Cookies, Cookies, Good For Your Heart

I mean, I really love cookies. Almost any kind. But even I have to draw the line somewhere.
The way I see it, those cookies better have been good. Real good. Actually, I've always wanted to pull the old Ex-Lax Cookie prank. It's a classic. I have to imagine that Oscar the Grouch has pulled this move on Cookie Monster at least once, and that he laughed his ornery green arse off as Cookie hot-footed it around Sesame Street holding his big blue butt and frantically searching for a loo. That's the way I've dreamt it, at least.

IN MAY, FINALES FIRE AWAY

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX

May 7, 2006

We’re well into the May sweeps period now, and the season and series finales are coming at us faster than Papelbon heater. Here at Idiot Box HQ, we don’t want you to miss a thing, so we’re breaking down this week’s finales, and grading each according to its Idiocy Factor. The IF goes from one, which means you should really only watch IF you have somehow been trapped on your coach by a falling baby grand piano (you know how often that happens) and can’t reach your remote to change the channel, to ten, which means you should only miss the show if said baby grand piano that dropped on top of your couch also killed you. In other words, a true Idiot would never miss a show with a perfect IF of ten, while only an idiot (lower case, mind you) would watch a show that earned a one.
Without further ado, this week’s finales:
MONDAY
7th Heaven (8 p.m., WB): I recently had an awkward moment when a bunch of my buddies were over at the house drinking beers and watching a ballgame and the conversation turned to our favorite shows. The usual suspects (24, Lost, The Office) were mentioned, when one of the guys suddenly blurted out that he rarely misses an episode of this show. Needless to say, he was not allowed to have any more beers. But there are others – many others – who share his enthusiasm for this wholesome family show about a Reverend and his 7-strong brood. The show has run for 10 seasons, and tonight’s series finale marks its 221st episode. Not a bad run, and as the show heads into the sunset those are impossible numbers to completely discount, even if we never really got into it. Idiocy Factor: 7 (of course)
What About Brian (10 p.m., ABC): OK, it’s hard to get all that jazzed about the season finale of a show that premiered less than a month ago. The comedy-drama about singles and marrieds in L.A. has posted solid ratings in its short run, and seems a safe bet to return to ABC next fall. If nothing else, the title of its finale, “Sex, Lies and Videotape” proves that its creators know something about what works during May sweeps. Idiocy Factor: 5
TUESDAY
Gilmore Girls (8 p.m., WB): I have a friend whose wife loves this show, to the unending despair of his five-year-old son, who often loses control of the remote when it airs in reruns during the afternoon. Good thing, you say. Five-year-olds shouldn’t have control of the remote. Good point, I say. Besides, it’s never to early to learn an important life lesson: Sometimes it’s best to just shut up and sit through Gilmore Girls, and pretend to the woman in your life that you like it. Idiocy Factor: 4
Veronica Mars (9 p.m., UPN): Men might be from Venus when it comes to this smart show about a crime-solving teen, but they shouldn’t be. Idiocy Factor: 6
WEDNESDAY
Criminal Minds (9 p.m., CBS): Considering that it’s up against Lost and that it seemed at first glance like the latest in a long line of cookie-cutter network crime dramas, this show has posted awfully solid numbers in its first season. Turns out, it deserves to. It’s creepy, smart and consistently surprising. It’s already been renewed, so look for Mandy Patinkin and the rest of the show’s solid cast back next season. Idiocy Factor: 7
THURSDAY
Everybody Hates Chris (8 p.m., UPN): Chris Rock’s semi-autobiographical look back at his childhood was one of the most ballyhooed newcomers back in the fall. It lost some of its buzz as the season went on, but is already confirmed on next year’s slate at CW, the new joint venture between CBS and UPN. Idiocy Factor: 5
Smallville (8 p.m., WB): Superman fans shouldn’t get too down after this series bids adieu for the summer. The latest big screen treatment of the superhero, Superman Returns, hits movie theaters in just a few weeks. Idiocy Factor: 6
My Name Is Earl (8:40 p.m., NBC): Yeah, it’s funny, but am I the only one who thinks the highest-rated new comedy of the season’s concept – Jason Lee’s character making up for a long list of past transgressions to improve his karma – kinda ran out of steam halfway through the season? Idiocy Factor: 7
The Office (9:20 p.m., NBC): For my money, the funniest show on network TV right now. And tonight’s 40-minute season finale was penned by star Steve Carrell, a guy who knows funny. Idiocy Factor: 10
FRIDAY
Las Vegas (10 p.m., NBC): The sudsy weekly celebration of Sin City is one of TV’s guiltiest pleasures these days, offering up a weekly buffet of airheaded plots and subplots. Sometimes you can almost see James Caan thinking “Sonny Corleone has been reduced to this?” The show is stupid, but at least it knows it. Viva Las Vegas. Idiocy Factor: 8

THE WASTEBASKET: I’ve never been a fan of Rosie O’Donnell or The View, but even I can admit that the recent hiring of the highly abrasive and opinionated Rosie O to replace Meredith Vieira on the morning gabfest was pure genius. Who doesn’t want to see Rosie square off against Starr Jones, especially since Rosie has reportedly flogged Jones for being dishonest with viewers about how she achieved her remarkable weight loss? By the way, if you’re ever in the mood for some strange reading, check out Rosie’s unhinged blog at http://www.rosie.com/... Those jokes about NBC ending up with a lineup made up entirely of Law & Order shows have at least another year of shelf life. The network announced that all three L & O’s- the original, SVU and Criminal Intent (new, improved with double the dead bodies!) will be back next year…Professional football pundit Peter King will join the roundtable on NBC’s Football Night in America, the Peacock Network’s pregame show for its return to NFL coverage on Sunday nights this fall. King is wrong about as often as he’s right, but he’s been covering the league for years and should provide decent insight. He’ll join host Bob Costas and analysts Cris Collinsworth and Jerome Bettis. And in the Factoid That May Only Interest Me Department, King is also a dead ringer for George Wendt, who played Norm on Cheers back in the NBC glory days.

Monkeys Are Always Funny

That much we knew already. But who knew a little crab could be so damn funny too? I'm not sure we can extrapolate this little guy's humor (or his accent) across his entire species, but this ad is hysterical. Too bad they've started running a 15-second version on TV during recent sporting events, since the shorter version loses much of its humor.

Next week, back to monkeys. I promise.

Five Word Reviews

Well, with today's opening of Mission: Impossible III the 2006 summer blockbuster season gets into full swing. That means that every weekend from now until August, at least one new movie will open amid deafening fanfare and will then quickly be revealed (usually in five short words) as a stupid, listless bore. But maybe this year will be different. Then again, maybe it won't. Yeah, it probably won't.

We'll have to wait and see. But at least the first summer popcorn flick out of the gate manages not to stink, despite the increasingly pungent presence of one Tom "I've Done the Reading" Cruise as its star. And there's one late spring holdover that ought not to be missed. Here again, the five word movie reviews.

MI:III - Hoffman Dulls Pain Of Cruise
Akeelah and the Bee - A Great Family Movie. F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C

More Employable: A) Ben Affleck or B) A Monkey?

As if you didn't know the answer was emphatically B, check out this story in today's Boston Herald about the explosion of work for thespian monkeys these days. I don't think I'm the only one who truly believes that every Ben Affleck movie - with the possible exception of Good Will Hunting - would have been infinitely better had Affleck been replaced by a monkey.

DYNASTY, EMPHASIS ON "NASTY"

INSIDE THE IDIOT BOX

April 30, 2006

It’s been so long since the ‘80s that even the pop culture nostalgia for the decade – punctuated by ‘80s-themed parties and those I Love The ‘80s VH1 shows where Z-list comedians cracked wise about subjects like big hair and Pat Benatar – has all but disappeared into the pop ether.
But though ‘80s nostalgia may be all but dead, TV reunion shows are impossible to kill. And this week features a juicy one, bringing back the cast of Dynasty, perhaps the quintessential ‘80s TV show. The decade was, after all, called the Greed Decade, and Dynasty was a weekly cavalcade of conspicuous consumption. The show, which chronicled the sudsy melodrama of the Carrington family, led by oil tycoon patriarch Blake (John Forsythe), ran from 1981-1989. How’s that for perfect?
The show revived the careers of several actors, including Linda Evans and Joan Collins, who provided much of the show’s catty center as Blake Carrington’s current and ex-wife, respectively. The two actresses also abandoned all dignity in what became the show’s most famous scene, when they grappled with each other in a highly-promoted catfight. Dynasty was also notable for launching the TV career of Heather Locklear, and it featured the final public appearance of Rock Hudson, who had a recurring role just before his highly-publicized death from AIDS in 1986.
In fact, the list of notable actors who made appearances on the show is pretty impressive: Ali McGraw, Billy Dee Williams, Ken Howard, George Hamilton and Catherine Oxenberg. Oxenberg, you’ll remember, is the member of the royal family in the former Yugoslavia who briefly dated Sen. John Kerry. Yes, that was during the ‘80s, too.
Just how much of a phenomenon was Dynasty? Well, consider this: Ted McGinley, the patron saint of the Jump The Shark concept and an actor who was reliable Kryptonite to even the most powerful of TV shows, appeared on the show during the 1985-1986 season. And then the show continued for three more years. Any Idiot Box Addict worth their salt knows that a show that can survive McGinley can survive anything.
Except, alas, the passing of the decade. By the time the 1990s arrived, Dynasty was over. Its exit was timely, and fitting. And even this week’s reunion show has some drama around it, which only makes sense. Though the show aired on ABC for its entire run, Tuesday night’s reunion will be at 10 p.m. on CBS, because the Eye Network is now owned by Viacom, which owns Aaron Spelling’s production company, which owns Dynasty. Got that? How perfect, that to find out where to find the Dynasty reunion, all you have to do is follow the money.
Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar airs Tuesday night at 10 on CBS.

THE WASTEBASKET: First, a note to readers: Don’t let the sub-title fool you. This isn’t news pulled from the circular file. It’ll be a weekly grab bag of interesting TV odds ‘n’ ends, with the name pilfered from my grandfather Bill Hogan, who used to deliver a comedy routine of the same name at the annual Clover Club Dinner in Boston. And off we go…During May sweeps, the Lifetime Network will be airing a new movie every night of the month. I’m not sure if that qualifies as a promotion or a threat, but I guess we’ll find out. The month-long extravaganza will be hosted by country diva Martina McBride and kicks off tomorrow night with The Ties That Bind, starring Nicole de Boer and Brian Krause. New movies will premiere Monday – Saturday at 9 p.m. and Sundays at 5 p.m….In an early sign of confidence, HBO has given a quick renewal to Big Love, its latest drama about a polygamist (Bill Paxton) juggling three wives in Utah. The show has performed well in its post-Sopranos Sunday night slot this spring. Filming on the second season will begin in August, and the new season will premiere in 2007…As if anyone needed another reason to watch Deal or No Deal, the Howie Mandel-hosted game show that puts the “best” in dumbest show ever, here’s one: The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders will be making an appearance on tomorrow night’s show. Call me a child of the ‘70s, but I remember when the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders really meant something: Something lurid, yes, but something. These days, with every pro team (even the Celtics!) trotting out scantily clad dancers at games, their impact is diminished. But only a little. Howie Mandel + Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders = Must-See TV…Those of us rooting against Barry Bonds to break Hank Aaron’s all-time Home Run record should check out Up for Grabs on Tuesday night at 11 on Spike TV. The 2005 documentary tells the story of the battles, legal and otherwise, between two fans who both claimed to have caught Bonds’ record-breaking 71st home run in 2001. Supposed to be good, and proof that you don’t have to be a steroid-injecting millionaire to act like a cretin.